i don’t expect people to notice because i barely remember myself, but sometimes it will hit me, no, nudge me when i least expect it. like last night, i was listening to npr on my way home from work. it was a story about the philippines, so i turned up the volume and heard the […]

you put them away in the furthermost crevice of your mind, and somehow they push their way back to the front. sure, sometimes, you’d thought about them. when you heard a certain song. when you saw their picture. when a chain of memories led to that final link that was them. often, it was like […]

i dipped a tortilla strip into the 7-layer bean dip, took a sip out of a red plastic cup filled with chilled honey wheat raspberry beer (they brewed it themselves), glanced left at the 17-inch tv screen and right at the 32-inch, picked a number out of a sombrero for the football pool to which […]

i am listening to rain slip and slide down the gutter of the building next door. it’s cold in my apartment. there’s no heat, because last time i turned on the heater i set off the smoke detector. i desperately crave a deep mug of hot cocoa, but we are out of milk. i am […]

that wasn’t what i meant to say at all, but sometimes the words just don’t fit. in the past week: mingling with rockstars, 1am sobriety checks, surprise emails from old friends, conversations with new ones, greasy slices of pepperoni pizza and spoonfuls of ice cream and smiles so wide they span both coasts. frankly, i […]

what if all this time i’ve had it all wrong? i’ve been trying to hold on to so much and maybe i should just let go. let go of the the things i think i need, let go of the feelings i don’t want to forget, let go of the memories i am afraid will […]

just so you know, i’m still mad. i’m mad at the magazines that continue to feature stick-thin, pastey-white models who stare blankly at you. at the clothing companies who claim that it’s one-size-fits-all, when the t-shirt would barely fit my cabbage patch kid. at the girls in junior high who would point and whisper at […]

sleeping on the floor, i remembered 1984 when our house was buzzing with people. that summer (the summer of the olympics in LA), we opened our doors to family and friends and i think we had more than 20 people staying in our 3-bedroom house at one time. my bed was always the first to […]

after we said goodbye, i took a walk, but i didn’t get very far. i wandered aimlessly around the neighborhood, wishing i had pockets in my sweater. it’s a nice feeling, sometimes, wandering through the sea of people spilling over the sidewalks. but tonight it was a little too cold and crowded, and i would […]

i’ve gone back to hiding in corners and peering out of windows. this is how i like it sometimes. the girl in the back of the classroom, covertly writing notes to her girlfriends, sketching out grand plans in a spiralbound notebook, shooting sideway glances at the boy over there. i wonder, sometimes, if i’ll ever […]

sometimes it’s a battle just to hold everything together. i know that from the outside looking in it might seem like i have it all under control. i plan it that way. but inside, i am unraveling, and i think all the rope, glue and scotch tape in the world couldn’t keep me from falling […]

two girls playing dress up: white t-shirts cloaked in beige sweaters that go down to their knees that are covered in dark denim that skims their chunky loafers that teeter on the floor of the coffeehouse. “two blended mochas,” one says, dangling kate spade on one hand, waving nokia with the other. (i only know […]

but then again, some days i just want to be alone: sneak away when everyone’s sleeping and hole myself up somewhere remote (he talks about alaska, a lot). ditch the wristwatch, the cellphone, the handspring. turn off the TV, the computer, the stereo. let the letters, the messages, the email pile up so high i […]

so, oh my god, there was a moment on new year’s eve when i thought i was going to throw up, like, seriously going to hurl. i was lying on the sofa, with my long gray coat draped over me like a blanket, focusing my eyes on the electrical outlet on the wall. i couldn’t […]