this morning, i saw my entire existence reduced to a single paragraph. several lines of copy buzzing through the fax machine and then landing in my hand. and i could not let it go. so this is how it feels to be dead, i thought. to be floating above the world long after you’re gone, […]

anticipation manifests itself in a variety of ways: panic, thrill. fast sleep, wide awake. not hungry, absolutely starving. i try to write and rewrite things down to calm my nerves, but i end up staring at the page and fast-forwarding hours / days / weeks in my mind. i can only be vague right now […]

sometimes, i just want to erase this page, get a tissue and wipe the screen clean. not out of spite, or disgust, or shame. just because i want to start over. beginnings are, in some ways, the best. i am trying to think of the right words to say but i just can’t. today, i […]

it was a beautiful wedding. i know they always say that, but you have to believe me, it really was. she looked like an angel, with the light hitting her face just so. i almost cried — not just then, but several times throughout the day. i don’t remember being this emotional at any wedding, […]

i am supposed to be asleep right now. shh, don’t tell my mom. all of a sudden i’m 12 again, and i was told i should go to bed so i will look fresh tomorrow. what is fresh? a cake. a bouquet of flowers. a newspaper off the press. a bridesmaid after a good night’s […]

the other day, we passed each other on the street. i on one side, she on the other, walking in opposite directions, both going home. when i realized it was her, i threw my arm in the air and waved wildly. i wanted to part traffic like the red sea, run to her and give […]

for the past month and a half, i’ve been carrying a manila folder stuffed with papers. on the tab, it reads “HOMELESS–AGAIN!” inside is a stack of apartment listings, crumpled up and scribbled on. this morning, i took it out of my bag and tossed it in the trashcan. i don’t need it anymore. i […]

how is it that one year, even two, can pass, and some things don’t seem to change? i feel like there will always be this cloud of wonder following me. i will always feel overwhelmed with questions. i will always be waiting for the next big thing. i thought it was something i’d outgrow, this […]

so, we watch these movies, these chick flicks, and they are supposed to be somehow empowering, or uplifting, or funny. or something. but instead, i leave the theater feeling dissatisfied, confused and even a little upset. two weekends in a row, i found myself walking home, haunted by these visions of beautiful women flinging their […]

i have a confession to make: i dodge bouquets. at weddings, i mean. when the DJ makes the call for all the single ladies to gather ’round, i stay silently seated at my table as if i didn’t hear a word until someone spots me and drags me to the reception dance floor. most of […]

it appears the joke’s been on me. all day long i’ve been oblivious to the fact that today we turn our clocks forward. so, when i awoke at 9:30 i was really getting up at 10:30; and when i called tom at 2:30, figuring it was 10:30 there in the netherlands and thus not too […]

if all else fails, write about your wants. you are always longing for something, whether it be something tangible or something nebulous. just because you cross things off the list doesn’t mean the list itself disappears. you want, you get, and then you want some more. sometimes you confuse these with your needs, but they […]