no more cocktails on thursdays, she says, bringing the thin red straw to her glossy lips. she says this because nobody seems to be out. at the first bar, there is the smell of nail polish and vodka. women gather around, and we lean back in the beauty salon chairs. two girls — they don’t […]

i do not like rushed goodbyes. they make me feel like i am chasing a passing train, catching one last glimpse, blowing one last kiss. racing, rushing, reaching down the platform, with open arms and wide strides. i feel out of breath. out of time. and i want to slide the clock’s hand back just […]

i cannot help but wonder where i’d be if i’d done things differently. it’s not regret–i will not let myself regret–just supposing. imagining. wondering. if i’d studied less and partied more. if i’d worn more make-up and shorter skirts. if i’d held more hands, kissed more lips and shared more blankets. if i’d had the […]

just now, as i was typing in the date for behold i realized that today is my grandfather’s birthday. he would have been 90. (and all of a sudden my morning is tinged with melancholy, for him, and my grandmother, and everyone else who might be mourning today.) are you supposed to stop celebrating someone’s […]

i don’t expect people to notice because i barely remember myself, but sometimes it will hit me, no, nudge me when i least expect it. like last night, i was listening to npr on my way home from work. it was a story about the philippines, so i turned up the volume and heard the […]

you put them away in the furthermost crevice of your mind, and somehow they push their way back to the front. sure, sometimes, you’d thought about them. when you heard a certain song. when you saw their picture. when a chain of memories led to that final link that was them. often, it was like […]

i dipped a tortilla strip into the 7-layer bean dip, took a sip out of a red plastic cup filled with chilled honey wheat raspberry beer (they brewed it themselves), glanced left at the 17-inch tv screen and right at the 32-inch, picked a number out of a sombrero for the football pool to which […]

i am listening to rain slip and slide down the gutter of the building next door. it’s cold in my apartment. there’s no heat, because last time i turned on the heater i set off the smoke detector. i desperately crave a deep mug of hot cocoa, but we are out of milk. i am […]

that wasn’t what i meant to say at all, but sometimes the words just don’t fit. in the past week: mingling with rockstars, 1am sobriety checks, surprise emails from old friends, conversations with new ones, greasy slices of pepperoni pizza and spoonfuls of ice cream and smiles so wide they span both coasts. frankly, i […]

what if all this time i’ve had it all wrong? i’ve been trying to hold on to so much and maybe i should just let go. let go of the the things i think i need, let go of the feelings i don’t want to forget, let go of the memories i am afraid will […]