The Vibe

he says i’m giving off The Vibe. i laughed when he first told me that — i’ve never given off any vibe and i wouldn’t even know how — but now i’m beginning to think he’s right.

The Vibe is the antithesis of really bad B.O. instead of people slowly scooting away from you because they can’t handle your scent, they inch toward you because you are giving off a Come Here Now signal.

before i go any further, please note: in order for The Vibe to work, you can’t actually want people to come here now. you must give neither a flying fig nor a rat’s ass if they do. in fact, you have to want them to stay away because you are so tired of everything and you have trouble trusting anyone and you just can’t be bothered right now because you have drawings to finish and a retreat to plan and brothers to entertain.

when you throw your hands up in the air and surrender, when you forget to put on make-up and put on your baggiest sweatshirt, when you are laughing so hard you are snorting, that is when 16-year-old boys in a parking structure honk and wave you and your girlfriend over to their 1990 ford escort. that’s when the best man’s sisters surround you on the dance floor, cooing about how good a catch he is. that’s when men with gold chains and unbuttoned shirts approach you at the neighborhood bar, although normally nobody ever, ever does that.

it has been confirmed by several sources that i am, indeed, giving off The Vibe and i don’t know what to do. maybe i should conveniently forget to wear deodorant to send them running the other way.

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