August 3, 2001

it’s kind of hard to explain, but i saw part of my life flash before my eyes tonight. it wasn’t a near-death experience. it was more like an epiphany and de ja vu and caution all rolled into one. it’s kind of hard to explain.

i ate dinner with liomir at my new favorite french café, under the stars, on a beautiful night. we talked about the usual: work and travel and food and merriment. we reminisced about paris and gossiped about common friends and plotted out where we were going. that’s when i realized we had traded places. a year ago, i was miserable with my job and complaining about lack of direction and jealous of his plans to go here and there and everywhere. he was taking me out to dinner and buying plane tickets for his next big trip and falling in love with his apartment and the city and life. tonight, it was very much the opposite. and instead of it making me feel boastful or relieved, i just felt a lump in my throat and a sliver of panic.

it could disappear at any moment. the shiny new ibook, the hardwood floors and big window, the steady-paying 9 to 6 job. all of it.

and if it does, when it does, what will i have?

i instantly felt remorse for the birthdays i have let slip by and the phone calls i haven’t made and the letters i have been saying i’ll send. for the complaints and the cranky remarks and the grumbles under my breath. for being neglectful and careless and thoughtless. sometimes, all it takes is five minutes, and i have been choosing to spend those five minutes doing other things.

and i don’t want to be the kind of person who is only concerned with herself. i want to see beyond this little life i’ve built for myself. because one day the walls around me will have crumbled and i don’t want to be left standing in the dusty remains alone.


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