What do I know, anyway

December 8, 2000

i followed the trail of taillights around the windy road, a path i travel twice a day, when the sun rises and sets again. when i moved here four months ago, i got lost along the same road, thrice. one of those times i was near the point of tears. i couldn’t find my street, but i found the beach. it was so dark i thought i’d drive right off a cliff and into the ocean.

now i know how to get around. i know that if the cars are stopped at the bottom of the hill to make a quick u-turn and go the other way, otherwise it will take me 45 minutes just to get to the freeway. i know that if i’m going to leave early the next morning to park on the street and to get into the complex through the secret side gate. i know jenny will still pour me a cup of coffee when i realize i have no cash and the village dry cleaner owners won’t charge me extra for packages because i ask them how their grandchildren are. i learned these things. i know.

but tonight was the last night i’d drive that path, and monday i take a new route to work.

new new new, everything is new again. it’s exciting and exhausting all the same.

“if you are moving,” david asked, “are you really (I mean really REALLY) going to want to move again (to NYC) in a year? because moving is a big hassle, right?”


maybe not.


yesterday i got nostalgic for the way things were. before i moved to LA, before i discovered the web, before all of this was in my vocabulary. i wanted to be lying on the white shag rug on my bedroom floor, thumbing through sassy, imagining my name was on the masthead, pointing out everything i’d do differently.

dreams are lovelier when they are floating so high in the clouds you can barely recognize them. when they start to float down to your level — or you begin to rise up to theirs — you can actually see how complex and complicated they really are. and time. time starts chasing you while you keep chasing your dream.

how do you know when to pause and take a deep breath?


i just want you to know that i haven’t stopped dreaming. i told you i’d meet you there. at the top of the empire state building when the sun is setting and the street lights are starting to glow. i promised you. i promised me. i know i’m a little late, but i’ll be there. just in time to dance with you under the moon.


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