Pond scum

November 29, 2001

sometimes, i’m afraid i talk more about doing good than actually doing it.

i have so many grandiose plans about how to change the world, but i spend my days getting paid a better than decent salary and my nights doing whatever pleases me. i look at others with critical eyes and don’t hesitate to turn to whisper harsh words, yet i constantly fail to see my own shortcomings and faults. i am so good at making everything sound like a dream that i forget that sometimes the world is just harsh and cold and mean and there is nothing anybody can do about it.

when i talk about how lucky i am or mention how grateful we should be, i don’t say it to be boastful or proud. i do it because if i don’t constantly remind myself i will forget. i will get so wrapped up in myself, in my insecurities and desires, and i will trample on the people who mean the most to me, and i don’t ever want to do that. i don’t ever want to forget how i got where i am.

and what do i know, anyway? i am 26, and i feel 13, and i act 5. i am so confused so often and i get terrified to the point of paralysis and i think myself in circles until i’m so dizzy all i want to do is pass out and live in my dreams.


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