Scattered

i am scattered all over the place right now. i am carrying an armful of emotions, but they keep falling to the ground, and when i bend down to pick one up, another one falls. so here i am, taking slow steps, holding on tightly to the load. my arms are not strong enough for this.

i am scared. i am scared i won’t be able to handle my job and i am scared i will get too comfortable in my new place and i am scared i will forget about my dreams. i am scared that you don’t like me and i am scared that it matters. i am scared of endings, but i am more scared of beginnings, because there is so much possibility.

people say i am strong, but i don’t feel strong. i feel like the slightest gust of wind could blow me over. i could crumble into a million pieces and disappear with a breeze.

and so many good things are happening. i am not ungrateful, but sometimes i wonder if i deserve it all. one of these days, i think, my luck is going to run out, and then what? i will find myself on some street corner with a handwritten sign asking for your kindness.

i think about yesterday, and the day before, and the week before, and the month before, and i can’t believe i got here. it happened so fast. i think about tomorrow, and the day after, and the week after, and the month after, and i don’t know what’s in store.

hope and wonder and anxiety and contentment and fear. i don’t even know what i’m feeling, anymore. there’s much too much.

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