“i just want today to be over” is a horrible way to live. i don’t like being cranky or depressed or gloomy. i hate feeling like the only safe place i want to be is at home, in my bed, under the covers. i am tired of listening to the same moody music over and […]

the napping gods are against me. i’d slipped on fresh bed sheets, slid under the snuggly softness, and began to fall into a dream, when the phone rang. “hey,” said the booming voice. it was joel. “why are you yelling?” i asked him. “are you taking a nap?” “uh…yeah,” i said. “go back to sleep.” […]

if i lived in a rainy town, i would never want to get out of bed. i would just open the blinds and lie perfectly still beneath my covers, drifting in and out of sleep, reading the book on my nighttable, scribbling cloudy thoughts in my journal, taking slow sips of tea, giggling and whispering […]

we looked for an apartment this weekend, driving around in circles in the pouring rain. at the first place we saw, i fell down several slippery steps, scratching my elbows, bruising my thighs and landing on my butt, and i wanted to give up right then. we saw a few more apartments: a house that […]

me: “so, i’m moving, again. my landlord’s being a jerk and i’m getting evicted and–” ricky: “yeah, i read it on your mass mailing.” me: “oh.” sometimes, the internet takes the fun out of everything.

my head is spinning with street names and numbers and dollar signs. my hand is tired from circling and crossing out and making big stars in pink ink. my stomach is tumbling with anticipation and frustration and hope. it’s a bit overwhelming, and it’s just begun. we are looking for a new place to live. […]

tonight i saw a shooting star. i was cruising down the 405 and watched it soar over city national bank and disappear over the hill. and then i blinked and the sky was black, again. i didn’t make a wish, although i suppose i should have; there are more than enough things i could wish […]

i’d almost forgotten what it was like to lose yourself in a novel. to take it with you wherever you go and sneak a few chapters while you’re waiting for your friend to show up or before your food gets to the table. to think about the characters while you’re driving, or walking, or standing […]

last night, at the record store, we pored over the stacks of cassettes that were being sold for 99 cents. some of them were bands we’d never heard of and some were bands we wished we’d never heard of, but some were bands we once loved. one was a tape he had bought for his […]

valentine’s day is for suckers and saps. i, of course, am both. sometimes, i think i don’t believe in romance, anymore. i don’t believe in one special boy for that one special girl, i don’t believe in once upon a time or happily ever after. i don’t believe that love will conquer anything. no. i […]

mindless tasks soothe my weary brain. copying and collating and stapling and filing; this is all i can handle right now. i could not sleep last night. note: i can sleep under virtually any condition, so a sleepless night is indication that something is surely wrong. something is surely wrong, and i do not know […]

no more cocktails on thursdays, she says, bringing the thin red straw to her glossy lips. she says this because nobody seems to be out. at the first bar, there is the smell of nail polish and vodka. women gather around, and we lean back in the beauty salon chairs. two girls — they don’t […]

i do not like rushed goodbyes. they make me feel like i am chasing a passing train, catching one last glimpse, blowing one last kiss. racing, rushing, reaching down the platform, with open arms and wide strides. i feel out of breath. out of time. and i want to slide the clock’s hand back just […]

i cannot help but wonder where i’d be if i’d done things differently. it’s not regret–i will not let myself regret–just supposing. imagining. wondering. if i’d studied less and partied more. if i’d worn more make-up and shorter skirts. if i’d held more hands, kissed more lips and shared more blankets. if i’d had the […]

just now, as i was typing in the date for behold i realized that today is my grandfather’s birthday. he would have been 90. (and all of a sudden my morning is tinged with melancholy, for him, and my grandmother, and everyone else who might be mourning today.) are you supposed to stop celebrating someone’s […]