It’s a new year

so, oh my god, there was a moment on new year’s eve when i thought i was going to throw up, like, seriously going to hurl. i was lying on the sofa, with my long gray coat draped over me like a blanket, focusing my eyes on the electrical outlet on the wall. i couldn’t look straight ahead, because jackass was on, showing its usual dose of gratuitous nausea-inducing shots. “it’s okay to throw up,” joel said. “sometimes you feel better afterward.”

“but i don’t want to,” i said.

the party hadn’t even begun, and i had had nothing to drink.

i don’t know what it was. earlier that day, i nearly passed out while slicing onions for my salsa. i had to sit down and breathe deeply until the room stopped turning.

but of course i went out anyway, because it was new year’s eve, and i did not want to spend the evening in bed oblivious to the strike of midnight.

every time i’d try to sit up, my head would get spinny and my tummy fumbly and so i’d lie back down. jonathan and joel were so good, and kept refilling my cup with sierra mist (pepsi’s lemon-lime soda, if you don’t know, which i didn’t) and wouldn’t leave my side until i was ready to stand up. after three cups of soda and three trips to the bathroom, i felt better, and by the end of the night, we were sitting around singing songs (joel and jonathan both play guitar) and playing air hockey (well, i watched) and telling stories that were so amusing my cheeks hurt from laughing.

after we made our wishes (one for each of 12 grapes floating in your cup, which is a tradition whose origins i couldn’t quite trace) we toasted red plastic cups filled with champagne. “did you make a new year’s resolution?” i asked the circle. most everyone said “no” or didn’t want to share. there was a general feeling that nobody believed in that sort of thing, anymore; or if we did, we didn’t want to admit it, because we’ve failed in the past and didn’t want to let ourselves down, again.

“did you?” jonathan asked me.

“not yet,” i said. i hadn’t given it much thought at that point and didn’t know if i would. but this morning, while driving to work, i decided to make a few, even if they were silly, even if they were simple, even if they were small.

so, this year i am going to try to:
say hi to more strangers
write truer stories
wear more skirts
eat less bacon
pray more

at least that would mean i am trying, i figured, and i don’t know if there’s anything more noble than that.

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