13 oct 2000 | back | archive | forward | girl | sign | e-mail

i am so utterly brilliant in my mind; unfortunately, most of the brilliance is trapped beneath a pile of insecurity. when i open my mouth something else comes out. or, sometimes, nothing at all.

i'll be in a meeting, and instead of contributing something sound and worthwhile, i blurt out something completely irrelevant. or i'll be sitting beside a cute boy, with a million sweet things to say shooting through my brain, but instead i sit there silent. or i'll be writing an e-mail, typing more quickly than i can even think, and i end up filling the blanks with a whole lot of nothing.

the charm always comes to me the moment after i step out of the conference room, after we say goodnight, after i click send. i know i say that awkwardness is lovely and it really can be, but sometimes it's just frustrating. sometimes i wish i could be that girl in the movies, you know, the one who lights up a room and cuts silence with her sharpness and saunters around all gracefully. but i suppose if she were walking around this earth instead of across the screen, she'd make silly remarks and shoot shy glances just like i do.