21 february 2000 | back | archive | forward

in honor of one year of blah.

it started one year ago. this. me, sitting here typing. and you, sitting there reading. swallowing the words i carefully, or carelessly, fed you.

i began this after falling in love with personal websites like water and maura.com. and then i discovered collaborative storytelling sites like bittersweets and so there and fray. so many voices, so many wonderful stories. and me.

and i thought, i could do that.

i tried this because i wanted to release my creativity. i wanted to reclaim some sense of self. i wanted to prove to myself that i could.

with the help of the visual quickstart guide to html and several gallons of coffee, i filled my gurlpages file manager with a dozen html files that were my first website. purple, arial and one big column of text. i didn't even know what tables were.

it started one year ago.

in grade school, i was always getting Needs Improvement in conduct; i talked too much. i'd interview innocent bystanders at the doctor's office and grocery store, asking them to share anything from their favorite ice cream to their age, people often old enough to be my grandfather. in high school, i sat in my bedroom and wrote, furiously, til the early morning hours. detailed accounts of what happened each day, letters to friends and family far away and stories, so many stories, spilling from my head.

and now, this.

my friend greg says i've changed. like it's some disappointment or tragedy. he doesn't say it in so many words, but that's what he means, i know it. i met him around the same time this all started, and it's true, i was not the same girl i am today.

i was unsure of myself, stumbling over my words. i kept apologizing and thanking everyone, profusely. i was afraid to say too much or not enough. i looked in the mirror and did not see someone worth getting to know, worth wanting, worth loving.

but i see so much now. words that ring of hope and light and truth. proof that others read what i write and take what i say to heart. and myself, a lovely young lady bursting, with so much to give and who deserves just as much in return.

one year. i've spent all that time on this. it's a long time, it's a lot of time. but i take the time because it's worth it. whatever it is, even if it's making someone giggle at my absurdity, even if it's clearly conveying one thought, even if it's stringing a single sentence that sings, it's worth it.

i'm worth it.

i would never have been able to do this without lots of coffee, my growing collection of CDs, simpletext, fetch, netscape, elizabeth castro, hotwired and my dear, sweet, aging mac.

i probably missed out on days worth of sleep. sometimes i was really rude to my parents. i even let the "fame" get to me, once in a while.

the world truly is small and complex and beautiful. words and images are powerful. people just want to feel like they belong, like they're not wandering through life aimlessly and alone. if given the chance, you will surprise others with what you can do.

"when you use words every day it's hard to make them count. but i try." -- words that greeted you at the old website's front door.

guess what? chicken butt!

i like you:
thank you for being so kind when you sign my guestbook and send me e-mail. really.