i miss my brother. i know he's okay, wherever he is, but i miss him. and i keep thinking, he could be in the same country, he could be in the same state, he could be less than a hundred miles away, and i would not know. unless he called us, and it's becoming more and more obvious that he's not going to.

but i of all people understand needing some time alone. we all need to escape once in a while. me, i hide in the curves of consonents and vowels. i dip my feet in cups of coffee and sit, unnoticed, in crowded corners. i even run, sometimes. once, i left the country, too -- to a land whose language and culture were completely frightening and foreign to me. and i searched, god how i searched, for meanings and purposes and love and comfort.

and then i realized it wasn't something i could find, like a hole-in-the-wall restaurant or a new museum. whatever it was i wanted and needed were already there, in my head and heart. i just had to do some rearranging, some dusting, if you will, and unpacking of boxes that hadn't been opened in years. and i'm still looking. and learning.

just like he probably is. it's funny. he's 8 years older, and sometimes i look at him and see a scared 8-year-old boy. somehow i caught up to him, and all the things he tried to teach me, i've learned for myself. now we can just be there for each other.