it's the doubt that, above anything else, could eventually kill me.

the uncertainty. the wondering. the but-what-ifs that i can't control. the doubt, it creeps into my head and makes me rethink everything i've ever learned, admitted and accepted. it's the confusion i grapple with, time and time again. even after i convince myself, even after i rationalize, even after i believe i'm okay and things will be fine.

but what if he doesn't think i'm pretty?
but what if they are laughing at me?
but what if i don't succeed?
but what if?

it all appears so trivial, when i see it there, the words before my eyes. but when it's here, in my head, it's huge, it's expansive, it's everything that ever mattered.