i make myself pretty not because i want him to want me, but just so he knows what he's missing. isn't that silly-- when i had the chance i ran the other way and shut the door behind me. now that i don't, i am leaving the door wide open and seeing if he'll come in.

i just hate his girlfriend so much, and i'm not sure what it means, because i don't really know her. i just hear things she says and does, and i know how it hurts him, and it makes me so mad. i remember how he used to be before he met her and i remember how his laughter was lighter and his eyes were more alive. now he's always sad and scared. he doesn't want to lose her and he'll do whatever she tells him to make sure he never does.

sometimes-- and this is just between you and me-- i see us sharing a life. i see us going to family get-togethers, lugging and tugging along our little children, giving everyone big hugs and kisses because it's been so long since the last time and oh how everyone's grown. i see him fetching my coat. i see me baking him cookies. i see a comfortable life, one of solid memories and open futures.

when i look at him, when i'm actually with him, i don't think about my hair or lipstick. i don't worry about any of that, not anymore. i just enjoy the company we share. the calm, compatible, comfort we've built around us. i feel safe with him. and yet, i want to protect him.

i want him to get a better job. i want him to play more music. i want him to return to God. i don't want him to waste anything. i feel like he's wasting so much right now.

but it's not like i want him. five years ago, i did, but not anymore. he no longer makes me giddy. i don't always think about him. sometimes i even forget he exists.

it's just this feeling i get. it's just these thoughts i think. sometimes, when i'm sitting by my window waiting for him to get here.

like now.